The Hidden Challenge – and Quiet Power – of Asking for Help
This month, I led a virtual session for more than 100 professionals at a large global bank on The Ask Advantage: Strengthening Your Career Through Confident Asks. We started with a simple question: “When you need help, what messages go through your head?”
The answers were fascinating – and, honestly, not all that surprising. Everyone came up with a negative message. Some worried they would look incompetent. Others didn’t want to bother anyone. And one response made me laugh because it was so familiar: “I’ll try every workaround known to humankind before I ask.”
Yep. It’s funny because it’s true. And it’s also exhausting because it’s true.
Many of us have built our careers by being resourceful, resilient, and self-sufficient. We’re proud of being the person who can figure things out. But somewhere along the way, a lot of us picked up the idea that asking for help means we couldn’t figure it out ourselves.
What if we looked at it differently?
High performers aren’t lone wolves. They’re strategic askers.
Research shows that people who collaborate well, avoid burnout, and move forward in their careers are often willing to take small interpersonal risks – including asking for help. They’re not necessarily more confident. They’ve just learned something important: relationships matter. And when you build relationships by being generous, helpful, and trustworthy, asking for help becomes much easier.
One of my favorite examples comes from Adam Rifkin, whom Fortune named America’s Best Networker in 2011. Adam had more LinkedIn connections to the 640 most powerful people on Fortune’s lists than anyone else. And yet, he describes himself as an introverted computer nerd – and a giver.
His first startup, KnowNow, was funded by a fellow Green Day fan who had watched Adam generously build the band’s fan website for free while he was in college. One small act of generosity led to a relationship. That relationship led to an opportunity. And the ripple effect continued.
I love this story because it reminds us that relationships aren't built by keeping score. They’re built through lots of small moments of generosity and connection. And there’s another interesting part of asking for help: when people finally do it, they’re often surprised by how willing others are to help.
During the session, one participant shared a story that really captured the heart of this topic. She had avoided asking for help for years. Then her manager noticed that she was struggling and gently asked what was going on. When she finally opened up, her manager supported her in ways she hadn’t expected – both personally and professionally.
Her reflection was simple: “I was surprised by how much support I had when I asked.”
That sentence stayed with me. Because people aren't mind readers. They can’t see your invisible workload. They don’t necessarily know you're overwhelmed. They may not realize you're stuck, unsure, or carrying something that has become too heavy. But when you let someone in – even a little – you give them the opportunity to help. And sometimes, they’re grateful you did.
So, how do we make asking for help a little easier?
One strategy is to think about what Stephen Covey called the Emotional Bank Account. Think of trust like a bank account. You make deposits through small, consistent actions – and those deposits give you something to draw on when you need it. The deposits can be simple: keeping your commitments, clarifying expectations, showing appreciation, remembering details, and offering help before you need it.
None of these things are particularly complicated. But over time, they build something valuable: trust. And when the relationship is strong, asking for help doesn't feel like an interruption or an imposition. It feels like part of the relationship.
The second strategy is to ask in the right mood – and remember JADE: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
This one got a laugh during the session. Several people admitted they've been told they talk too much when they're nervous. I suspect many of us could relate.
JADE is a helpful reminder that you don't need to build a legal case for a reasonable request. You don't need five reasons, three disclaimers, and a detailed explanation of why you hate to bother someone. You can simply ask.
Of course, the mood matters, too. The right conversation in the wrong mood is still the wrong conversation. Before you ask, pause and consider: What mood am I in? What mood is the other person in? And what mood will help this conversation go well?
At the end of the session, I asked everyone to share one thing they were taking away. Three themes came up: Remember JADE. Be more strategic about building relationships and making deposits with key stakeholders. And schedule more regular conversations with peers and mentors.
And do you know what didn't make the list?
AI.
That made me smile.
Because as we move deeper into this new era of technology, it's worth remembering that some of the things that matter most to our careers are still wonderfully human. AI can help us work faster. It can help us find information, generate ideas, and solve problems. But it can't replace connection. It can't build trust for us. And it certainly can't ask our colleague for help when we're overwhelmed.
Growth isn't about being perfect or knowing everything. It's also not about proving that you can do everything yourself. Sometimes, growth looks like saying, “I could use some help.”
And maybe even more importantly, it means giving someone else the opportunity to say, “Of course.”
One participant put it beautifully: “I look at asking for help as the opportunity to give someone else the pleasure of helping. I know it gives me great satisfaction.”
I love that reframe. Asking for help isn't just something we do for ourselves. Sometimes, it’s a gift we give someone else – the chance to contribute, to connect, to be useful, and to feel good about helping.
So, what are you waiting for?
Maybe there’s an ask you've been putting off.
Perhaps it’s time to make it.